When I slow enough to ponder what the Lord is up to and his grand plans, I often wonder how it is that He can bring all of these little yet so BIG truths to our minds and refine us without us knowing areas we weren't aware needed such refining. God likes to hit those target areas that are ALIVE; the ones that hurt when He hits them, not the ones that are dead. He doesn't need to put to death all those dead ones, He needs to go for the ones that are swirling around thinking "I am good...I am in control".
As Fenelon wrote long ago,
"Whatever revelations you receive or whatever emotional experiences you have are worthless unless they lead you to the very real and constant practice of dying to your self-nature. Unfortunately, you cannot die without suffering, nor can you be said to be fully dead while part of you still lives. The death that God brings you will pierce deep within. Soul and spirit will be divided. He sees in you all that you cannot see. He knows exactly where the fatal blows shoudl fall. He heads straight for that which you are most reluctant to give up. Pain is only felt where there is life. And in this situation life is precisely the place where death is needed."
I have never been in this place before. Newness feels exciting, yet very up and down. It is the newness of feeling like God is asking me to go to a new place... from surrender to abandon. This place doesn't have lifeboats or steps down or a way back sometimes. It is to a new place where God kills off the control in me. Control is a strong theme in my life right now. I have always thought I was pretty laid back, yet maybe I haven't been tested to reveal the crazy kind of control so deep seated in me. We have 23 days to find somewhere to live. Everyone in the country is dying to sell their house, and God sold our house. Who knew it would be the other side of it that we can't find a place that meets our needs and that feels good for our budget? There are for sale signs everywhere, yet the home hasn't come. We have put offers on six homes and almost 4 more. We have been back and forth with 6 families for 3-4 days each negotiating. We have seen probably 50 homes in the area and at least 100 more online. With each decision, we have learned something new. With each negotiation we have learned something new. I am kind of tired. I get renewed and then I get butterflies, thinking I wonder what will happen.
As of a day ago a friend gave us a tour of her basement so it is official, we can live there for a month or so. So I no longer feel completely homeless, yet I still believe somehow God is going to provide. I have watched our bank account fill in various ways over the past six months where I can trace the hand of God in this timing to be able to sell and have a little more to put down. I have read God's word and been assured over and over that HE has got it. The game in my head is constantly, "are we too picky" ... we said we could live in Ethiopia, why can't I live in so and so subdivision in the middle of suburbia? Then I ask, do I not want to move up in price range because then I will have to trust God more as we live day to day and I would rather control it or am I just being wise and trying to live like Dave Ramsey teaches? Then I ask, should we go back and make another offer on that last one? Should we renovate the ugliest house we have seen that is so cheap? The questions still swirl around, yet each morning or each bathroom run that I makes since that is where my "Jesus Calling" book remains whispers to me...CEASE STRIVING...
What does that mean? Does that mean really to just stop looking? To stop trying every option possible and just wait? To be an idiot and lazy? I don't think so, but I do think it means " I HAVE GOT IT!!!!" Then I go from there thinking, I don't ever need a home. I could trust God to provide a home for us at all times. The verse God continues to lead me to is
"Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young--a place near your altar, O Lord Almighty, my Kind and my God."
Then it goes on to say,
"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca (weeping), they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion." Psalm 84
The home is at His altar... you can bet your life that this experience I find myself at His altar. I am not so much skipping the quiet time or running as much on my own strength. I can feel God giving me strength and strength again as I journey. I think of sweet Jody who is in this place of "weeping" facing cancer. Who cares if I don't have a house to live in... I would be like the other 80 percent of the world. I don't have to be "in control" or "settled"... I can be at His altar.
