Grace

With each day that goes by and little more age is added to my days, I am learning just how uncomfortable I am with "mess"... the mess inside each of us, the mess in others, and even the physical mess. I realize from my last post that it is me who has been in the "particular" camps in my life, and how humbled I have been to see God lead me into the other camp that completely contradicts the one I held so strongly years or even days before. I think the tricky part is sometimes mentally you have to make a decision to live your life, which puts you in a "camp" at times. I am so afraid that I will get it wrong sometimes, that often I analyze it and analyze it, instead of just resting in that God is in control of either way I choose. I think I make everything into a "moral" decision instead of just a decision. What confidence comes with decisions that are just made with the assumption that grace is there either way.

The reality of having five children has been sinking in lately. Not sure exactly why, but just realizing the magnitude of the time, energy, money, and more it takes. I used to think I had faith in the past, but now looking back, it must have been seasoned with ignorance as well :). It was my friend Karen who pointed out to me, faith is a gift from God. I think we feel like we have to muster it up, try harder to get it, but there are sometimes in the situations we are in, we just don't have it or have so little it feels as if it isn't much. I had to admit today to God, I don't have enough right now, and in certain areas, I have none. I just prayed, "God it is yours; give it to me. I have tried and tried, and I am embarrassed that I thought I could conjure it up." Talk about freedom... I walked out of my kitchen, wiped away tears, and thought, "Yes, it is done. It is not burden to bear... HE can do all things." Being honest with God is so awesome, and it is almost comical that we have to remind ourselves to be.