Here are some pictures of everyone dressed for Easter; it was pretty fun to have everyone looking together, hair brushed, clean clothes on, and just ready. I am thinking that is how Jesus wants us to be each day (not dressed up and perfect), but just ready for Him to come back. I am so thankful he will take me in sweats; it is far easier. On my tired days I just dream of being warm all the time since I love it when the sun just hits me and in someone's arms... I imagine that is what heaven will be. The feeling of being held all the time and warm and cozy.
You can see in one of these pictures Andy eating alone. He said it was most relaxed moment. We had all finished and he was waiting for dessert and everyone had left. I came back and said I was sorry we all left. He said, he did not mind one bit.
Parenting as most know takes a lot of planning and thinking ahead in order to save chaos and meltdowns. For me, my mind has trouble focusing now. Some examples of this are on Easter morning, I went through the buffet line 4 times to get everyone's plates I was responsible for. I then went to start with soup for myself with my sister and as I was talking to her I realized I only grabbed the soup saucer, not the bowl. I poured the soup in the saucer which of course poured out all over the sides and onto the buffet table. Her reaction was wonderful, "What are you doing?" I just looked at her and said, "I don't know." We both just laughed.
Then I had a bridesmaid luncheon last week and that same day had bible study and a post adoption report visit. I then took the kids to the babysitter and I was driving to Atlanta and realized 5 minutes into the trip, I didn't change my clothes. I was still in my corduroys and had forgotten to put the skirt on.
Lastly, yesterday I found an earring on the floor that had fallen out and I put it back in. Three hours later I saw myself in the mirror and I put them both in the same ear. I didn't even feel it.
My world feels disconnected in these moments where I ask myself, am I here physically? There was the most beautiful song on yesterday as I jotted down the words to these feelings. It went something like this, " Whatever you are doing inside of me, feels like chaos, but this is something bigger than me. Surrendering to what you can't see and giving into to something heavenly." How wonderful is that. I love and hate that God is making my world so out of control, but it is just where He wants me. I have never seen my need for a Savior like I do now. You don't realize how in control you think you are until you lose control. It is glorious to let go and let more and more of it go to God.
6 comments:
beautifully said martha! and thanks too for the laughs about your mind not working so well. a friend of mine with small children had on our prayer request a few weeks ago that her brain would just work! oh, motherhood!
Martha, great words. Thank you for freeing us all from the need to be in control!!
I love this post Martha. My husband and I both lost our mothers awhile back, but within four months of each other. I did the most absent minded things during that time. I can look back and laugh now, because thankfully it is just a season in life. We are discussing adoption at my house these days. Maybe we could get together and talk sometime?
omg, your words made me laugh out loud and then brought me to tears because you are so right.
i can never remember if i have actually done something or if i've just thought about doing it. there are so many times when i am thinking about something else while i am doing whatever and it just messes with my head.
you are doing a great job! benji wants to play with the bobby's soon.
martha, I love you! thanks for making me laugh outloud this morning! Especially after being in tears a few times (it's only 10) it was great to read this post. Looks like easter was a blast with your family.
Thanks Martha for always making me feel so "normal." Sometimes I think I am the only one losing my mind...good to know other tired mommies are in the same situation!
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